Beautiful Life

Emerging From My Cocoon

 

"A story is told of a man who noticed a cocoon on a bush in his yard. As he started to remove it from the bush and throw it away, he noticed the end was opening and a butterfly was struggling to escape. In an effort to help the emerging butterfly, he took it inside and carefully cut the cocoon away with a razor blade. The butterfly feebly crawled away from the open cocoon and, within a few hours, died. It needed the strength it would have gained from the struggle to free itself in order to survive in the outside world." The 12 Steps for Adult Children

On our journey to healing, there are many steps that are extremely painful and just plain hard to take. In my relationship with God, He has revealed certain "issues" in my life. He has also provided the tools necessary to resolve those "issues". When I decide to work on those "issues", I'm making a decision to grow and learn....But that decision is a hard one to make because I know what comes along with it. A lot of digging deep inside and revisiting uncomfortable and painful feelings and experiences. I look at it like a metamorphoses of our soul and life. In that struggle to break through our cocoons, there are a lot of tears and pain, but every bit of it is extremely necessary for our growth.

I find beauty in humility, in being real and transparent. We are all human and we all go through difficult situations in our lives. Being able to be honest with ourselves and others is like letting that guard down. Letting go of trying to make everything perfect, doing it all ourselves and the notion that being strong means we never break down. In that struggle to break though our cocoon, we can sometimes feel like giving up, like we have no energy left to break through. That's when we look up to God for the strength to finish our transformation. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13)

The process of healing is life long and an everyday task, It's easy to fall back into bad habits or attitudes. I have a checklist I made of all the things I do to stay on track. I formed this personal list of things that I am called to do as a Christian and simply because the effect they have had in my life has been positive. When ever I feel down, off track, unmotivated, lost... I think back to my checklist. As I go over it, I realize there are things that I have been slacking on. So I do it, I don't feel bad for not having done it. There is nothing I can do about the moments that have past except learn. I have dug deep, I have confronted painful memories and I have looked to God for strength and guidance. Now It's time to emerge from my cocoon. I am finally breaking free from my old ways and old life. It's an amazing process, transformation, metamorphosis...  success is emerging a beautiful butterfly. 

I Must Always:

* Thank God every morning.

* Read God's word everyday.

* Pray to God.

* Eat Healthy.

* Exercise

* Connect with at least one person I care about everyday.

* Write my thoughts.

* Organize my schedule.

* Have Faith in God in everything I do.

* Love everyone.

* Surround myself with positive people and things.

* Give everyday.

* Stay humble.

* Help others.

Greater Understanding

This is an excerpt from the book The 12 Steps for Adult Children. I would really like to just post the whole book here because every bit of it is awesome. If these issues sound familiar, get the book! 

"We may have many self-defeating habits or behaviors that need correcting. When looking at our inappropriate methods of relating to others, it is important to remember the ways in which these patterns began. Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we become accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy, and often times drove us to excessive use of mood-altering chemicals. 

In our present environment, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships or our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol."

Wow, when I read this I said "THIS IS ME". I couldn't believe I just read a description of how and why my life became a big mess. From the day it was clear to me that my father had problems, I knew that it was not right for him to live with us. It was the strongest feeling I had ever had and there was nothing anyone could say to change my mind. Addiction is such a horrible thing because it not only affects the addict but everyone around the addict. So spouses and children become part of the sickness. I first expressed my concern with my mother which then turned to countless conversations explaining and pleading with her. At such a young age, I knew my father was sick and he had to leave. It was like I knew we were all going to become sick as well. I told my mom to divorce my father. She did what she thought was right at the time and she stayed with him and that meant he stayed with us. This went against every fiber of my being. Things just got worst from then on and living with him just became a hellish nightmare. I did turn to alcohol and drugs to numb that pain. Not only was I experiencing the affects of an addict father, I had to live with the feeling of knowing it was wrong and not being able to do anything about it. I was just a kid and had no voice towards the situation. There is no wonder as to why my life took a turn for the worse.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to fully understand the situations that occurred. Most importantly to know I had no control over what happened. I can also start to understand how this has affected other aspects of my life and make a conscious decision to improve and work on those points. I'm excited for the understanding, awareness and self discovery I am going to have through this process. It really is stepping out of my comfort zone, in a good way though. I don't think I would have been so ready if I had not first surrendered my life to God. It's because of Him I am being transformed and I have peace in my life. I can see and feel myself growing with Him, allowing me to live a life worth living. I thank God for my husband Nick, he has been so loving and supportive through out this whole process. I want to show others it is possible, you can have healing, understanding and peace in your life, no matter what your circumstance. It's never to late...

12 Steps To Healing

I am amazed at how God is working in my life. I meet someone who is a recovered addict that goes regularly to AA meetings. We shared our stories with each other and had a real in-depth conversation. I really feel that God led me to meet this person at exactly this point in my life. She told me how they also have Al-Anon meetings (this is for anyone that has been affected by someone else's drinking and addiction) and asked if I wanted to go. I said yes. Like I've said before, I'm ready to cross those oceans and climb those mountains in my life journey. So this past Friday I went to my very first Al-Anon meeting. I was a bit nervous and definitely out of my comfort zone. I cannot share the stories I heard from the people who were there but I can say this: It was painful to hear yet strangely comforting to know i wasn't alone in my pain. I shared a piece of my story and when It was all over I knew I wanted to come back. I went to find a book about the 12 steps they were talking about. I have never heard these steps in my life before. There were many books but I decided on The 12 Steps For Adult Children.

 I know I have the right tool in hand to deal with the unresolved issues in my life. I am so grateful to God for leading me exactly where I needed to go. I think these steps and this process can be helpful to anyone who has been affected by addiction, whether it be directly or indirectly. I want to share this journey through these steps with the hope of helping others to find healing in their lives as well. Here are the 12 Steps:

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and become willing to make amens to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understand Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Amazing Grace

As I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics, I am realizing so many things. So many things I never even thought to question. As I realize these things in my life, I am understanding more about myself. I am understanding I have a choice to continue with the same attitudes/behaviors or to change. First I must understand what things are a result of my father being an alcoholic or my own addictive behaviors. I don't want to be "that girl" that acts like she does and doesn't even question herself. I haven't finished reading the book yet because it's revealing so much, It's a bit overwhelming.

I've been desiring lately much self evaluation and some brutally honest opinions from my husband. I don't want to live my life in denial or simply ignorant to situations or attitudes...in me. I know that God has put these desires in my heart.

I watched Rachel Getting Married and it demonstrated clearly the behaviors of an addictive personality. May I point out this also includes alcohol, cigarettes and prescribed medication, it's not just "drugs". You see addicts have a certain behavior and having been one I don't want to just have "that behavior". I want to know if I do, what am I doing that may be considered "that behavior" and if there is anything I can do about it.

Self evaluation is very important, we can not think we are right all the time, we can not just continue on with what we are doing with out stopping and taking a look in the mirror. It's great if you have someone that will be honest with you and tell you what they see, just be prepared to hear somethings you may not like. Then you must decide what you will do with what you have discovered.

Some of the things I've noticed is that addicts make everything about themselves. It's all about me! I can see that behavior in me but way stronger in my past. I do feel God has worked in my life because I have come a long ways but also because I'm aware. Being aware is amazing. I refuse to run in circles. I want to run a path... my journey, and this journey involves hiking mountains, crossing rivers, swimming through oceans. Nobody said growth was going to be easy but it is absolutely necessary to reach our destination.

 I truly believe my life is like the song Amazing Grace. I once was lost but now I'm found, I once was blind but now I see. Being able to see is truly life changing. Now I'm aware of what I do and where it comes from. Not only that but I can see my true self, someone that was lost for a long time but now is found!

My Transformation

  I am a born again Christian. The moment I invited God into my life was the beginning of an amazing journey. One that I am still on and will continue until my last day. This has nothing to do with religion, It's a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Life didn't automatically change the moment I invited Christ into my life. I look at it like I gave my heart to God and He started molding me and changing the desires of my heart. This allowed me to see my life through different eyes.

  I was a smoker for many years, I honestly thought I would always be one. I had quite drugs but smoking seemed impossible. I wanted to quite so I made plans and tried but nothing ever worked. At this point I was smoking a pack a day (more when I went out drinking) and really didn't enjoy smoking at all. One day before going into work, I was smoking a cigarette and really felt disgusted by it. I had enough, I said "God let this be my last cigarette". I threw the rest of the pack away and that was the last cigarette that EVER touched my lips! No patches, no gum, no program. Just me believing God could take this addiction away and He did. It will be two years in January!

  After accomplishing something that seemed impossible, I decided to step it up and be healthy. I had to learn what that meant because I was never really healthy before. So I started to read lots of books and basically became my own nutritionist. I decided to become a vegetarian (later vegan) and take a break from coffee at the same time. I had migraines everyday for a week but after that I felt great! 

  I know that I was on the right track but there was something missing to deal with... my drinking. I still had no control and was drinking all the time. I had to finally realize that I was an alcoholic. This was not easy but I came to the realization that I had a problem. This past New Years, I decided to quite drinking. I did, after a year of being smoke free and vegetarian. I also started going to the gym.

  I was talking with a Pastor friend and he said: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." ~ II Corinthians 5:17 I was no longer an alcoholic, God took this away from me, I am a new creation. I decided to put this to the test. After months of not drinking I decided to reintroduce drinking into my life. It was different. Any desire I had to drink in excess was gone. I've been able to drink with control for the first time in my life. This is the first hang over free year of my life and it feels great! It's not been an easy journey since my drinking was covering up a lot of issues. In the process I've reconnected with myself. I learned to love and embrace who I am. Also to take any challenges head on instead of "numbing" myself with alcohol.

  I feel full of energy, life and inspiration. I'm in the best shape and the healthiest I've ever been. I now drink occasionally and mostly wine. After being a vegetarian for more than a year, I've reintroduced some local,organic chicken and fish into my diet. I still mostly eat vegetarian. I drink small amounts of coffee and replaced the excess with fresh vegetable juice and tea. I'm ready to take my working out to the next level. It's been a cleansing of my mind, body and soul. I love it!

  God is transforming me into the person I always wanted to be but always thought I could never be. I look forward to living a balanced, healthy, happy life with my kitties, husband and God. My hopes are that I can be an example of God's power, love and grace.

  My mother-in-law once told me, "You can take back everything that was taken from you" That's what I'm doing and I can't wait for what's next!!

Deciding To Change

  To see others "drown" their sorrows in alcohol and other drugs is really sad. It's even harder for me to watch because I myself would do this all the time before. The funny thing is that they don't look like they are "drowning" at all, they actually look like they are having the time of their lives....but when the party is over, the horrible feelings are all that is left. 

  Some may take my concern as judgmental or even hypocritical. But it's so not! I can see my old self in these people, I recognize their behavior, I understand the need to be "numbed". It kills me to see someone else do this to themselves because I know exactly what they are doing. I decided to change my life around but that doesn't mean I've forgotten what It feels like. I often wonder If I would have listened if someone, a friend..... anyone, would have expressed their concern for me or even acknowledged the disaster I was making of my life. Would I also have thought they were judging me?

  I do remember the thoughts of desperation, sadness, loneliness, depression, wanting so badly for someone... something to save me. I remember crying and praying to God to help me, save me, love me, take me out of the situation I was in. He did, not in that precise moment.....In time, He changed my life. I realize that the decision to change my life and to invite God into my life was a personal one. I realize that it's also that way for others. So all I can do is share my story, pray and leave it in God's hands.

If this is happening to you, know that life doesn't have to be this way, there's so much more out there, you can have a new beginning, a new life, a new chance, new hope, new growth, a new opportunity.... It's all possible... the decision is in your hands!  

This song, Sober by Pink, describes it perfectly.... gives me chills.

If you would like to know more about a personal relationship with God, here are two websites to check out How to Know God and The Invitation.

If you would like more info on alcoholism and drug addiction, click here .