Beautiful Life

Emerging From My Cocoon

 

"A story is told of a man who noticed a cocoon on a bush in his yard. As he started to remove it from the bush and throw it away, he noticed the end was opening and a butterfly was struggling to escape. In an effort to help the emerging butterfly, he took it inside and carefully cut the cocoon away with a razor blade. The butterfly feebly crawled away from the open cocoon and, within a few hours, died. It needed the strength it would have gained from the struggle to free itself in order to survive in the outside world." The 12 Steps for Adult Children

On our journey to healing, there are many steps that are extremely painful and just plain hard to take. In my relationship with God, He has revealed certain "issues" in my life. He has also provided the tools necessary to resolve those "issues". When I decide to work on those "issues", I'm making a decision to grow and learn....But that decision is a hard one to make because I know what comes along with it. A lot of digging deep inside and revisiting uncomfortable and painful feelings and experiences. I look at it like a metamorphoses of our soul and life. In that struggle to break through our cocoons, there are a lot of tears and pain, but every bit of it is extremely necessary for our growth.

I find beauty in humility, in being real and transparent. We are all human and we all go through difficult situations in our lives. Being able to be honest with ourselves and others is like letting that guard down. Letting go of trying to make everything perfect, doing it all ourselves and the notion that being strong means we never break down. In that struggle to break though our cocoon, we can sometimes feel like giving up, like we have no energy left to break through. That's when we look up to God for the strength to finish our transformation. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13)

The process of healing is life long and an everyday task, It's easy to fall back into bad habits or attitudes. I have a checklist I made of all the things I do to stay on track. I formed this personal list of things that I am called to do as a Christian and simply because the effect they have had in my life has been positive. When ever I feel down, off track, unmotivated, lost... I think back to my checklist. As I go over it, I realize there are things that I have been slacking on. So I do it, I don't feel bad for not having done it. There is nothing I can do about the moments that have past except learn. I have dug deep, I have confronted painful memories and I have looked to God for strength and guidance. Now It's time to emerge from my cocoon. I am finally breaking free from my old ways and old life. It's an amazing process, transformation, metamorphosis...  success is emerging a beautiful butterfly. 

I Must Always:

* Thank God every morning.

* Read God's word everyday.

* Pray to God.

* Eat Healthy.

* Exercise

* Connect with at least one person I care about everyday.

* Write my thoughts.

* Organize my schedule.

* Have Faith in God in everything I do.

* Love everyone.

* Surround myself with positive people and things.

* Give everyday.

* Stay humble.

* Help others.

How The Lost Traveler Was Found

My love for change and new things was born the day I was, 26 years ago. My father, originally from Virginia, was in the army. He meet my mother in Puerto Rico, where she is from. They married and started their life and travels together in Germany. Less than a year after I was born, we moved to Missouri where my brother and sister were born. After about seven years we moved to Hawaii. The next move was to North Carolina. Then my father retired from the army and we moved to Puerto Rico. My siblings and I only knew a couple of words in Spanish and understood close to nothing. We were put in a all Spanish speaking school with help from tutors.  Everywhere we lived, we moved from house to house and school to school, mainly because of the lack of housing. We left what we knew to start all over again. After about thirteen years of living in Puerto Rico I moved to New York where I meet my husband, Nicholas. To this day I have yet to find a place to call home.

Change was practically in my blood. It's something I desired and came to depend on. It allowed me to feel something new, add adventure and excitement to my life. I never questioned it either. When I felt the need for a change, I changed. I could come up with tons of reasons why it was a good idea or necessary. I changed everything from relationships, jobs, personal style, to addictions. It kept me going for a long while. Until the day it just didn't feel the same.

My life was no longer the same. I was a born again Christian, married and growing immensely in my walk with the Lord. One day I started to feel lost for a moment and a little crazy. I was having an urge for a change but I didn't feel OK with that feeling. I started to question my reasons, my worries... myself. In God's molding of my life, I realized I could have been using change to escape situations, to find something better, and to seek fulfillment. I now had a personal relationship with God and prayed to Him about this situation. I wrote in my journal these words "It's almost like I'm searching and searching for something perfect". I thought to myself "will I ever end this wanting to change constantly in my life?" 

The very next day I understood what the meaning of this was. I was growing in my relationship with God. He was telling me "you don't have to search any longer, I AM HERE". I was being filled by Him and not by my desires for change. I realized I was like a lost traveler, searching and searching... but I didn't have to search any longer... no more searching in new things, new places, new relationships, new jobs... No matter what, it was never going to fill the God shaped whole in my heart. At last, I had what I was searching for after so long. This was the most amazing feeling, for God to allow me a glimpse of how much I've grown, how He answered my doubts and filled me with hope and love... 

This part of my transformation was amazing but not easy. Instead of seeking new things I had to learn to be still. To deal with issues instead of running away. To fully commit myself to whatever I was doing. The reality was that It wasn't about what I wanted nor was it about my comfort... It was about learning to trust and put my Faith in God and wait until He decided to open a door for me.

I once heard someone say "Sometimes we try to make Heaven here on Earth, but It is not". It almost seems like in our quest for perfect, we must realize: perfect does not exist here and we must learn to live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. We are surrounded by empty material things that give false promises and false fulfillment. Life is bigger than you and me. 

I feel so blessed that God would allow me to grow and understand these things. I no longer have to run from life, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer a lost traveler. I have found the ONE to fill my life and my emptiness. He guides me and carries me when I cannot walk. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy change, or travel, or excitement... It just means I'll enjoy it for what It is, and not expect it to fulfill me or my life. In my travels, I will admire this beautiful life. I have to thank God, I am no longer a lost traveler.

"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who dares no wrong, upright and just is He" Deuteronomy 32:4

Greater Understanding

This is an excerpt from the book The 12 Steps for Adult Children. I would really like to just post the whole book here because every bit of it is awesome. If these issues sound familiar, get the book! 

"We may have many self-defeating habits or behaviors that need correcting. When looking at our inappropriate methods of relating to others, it is important to remember the ways in which these patterns began. Because of the chaotic conditions of our childhood, we developed behaviors that now sabotage and assault the successful management of our lives as adults. Having grown up in emotionally repressive families, we become accustomed to denying our pain and discomfort. Most of us found it necessary to shut down our feelings and keep everything locked inside. We learned that expressing our own wants and needs caused rejection. This rejection stimulated intense feelings of inadequacy, and often times drove us to excessive use of mood-altering chemicals. 

In our present environment, we may have trouble freely expressing pain, fear, anger, or need. We repress our true feelings because we continue to view our environment the same as we did in childhood. When we openly express our needs, we risk rejection. In order to avoid rejection, many of us compensate for our repressed feelings by doing things to extremes. Our behavior may include preoccupation with relationships or our job. Or we may cover our true feelings through overwork, overeating, or abuse of mood-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol."

Wow, when I read this I said "THIS IS ME". I couldn't believe I just read a description of how and why my life became a big mess. From the day it was clear to me that my father had problems, I knew that it was not right for him to live with us. It was the strongest feeling I had ever had and there was nothing anyone could say to change my mind. Addiction is such a horrible thing because it not only affects the addict but everyone around the addict. So spouses and children become part of the sickness. I first expressed my concern with my mother which then turned to countless conversations explaining and pleading with her. At such a young age, I knew my father was sick and he had to leave. It was like I knew we were all going to become sick as well. I told my mom to divorce my father. She did what she thought was right at the time and she stayed with him and that meant he stayed with us. This went against every fiber of my being. Things just got worst from then on and living with him just became a hellish nightmare. I did turn to alcohol and drugs to numb that pain. Not only was I experiencing the affects of an addict father, I had to live with the feeling of knowing it was wrong and not being able to do anything about it. I was just a kid and had no voice towards the situation. There is no wonder as to why my life took a turn for the worse.

I am grateful to have the opportunity to fully understand the situations that occurred. Most importantly to know I had no control over what happened. I can also start to understand how this has affected other aspects of my life and make a conscious decision to improve and work on those points. I'm excited for the understanding, awareness and self discovery I am going to have through this process. It really is stepping out of my comfort zone, in a good way though. I don't think I would have been so ready if I had not first surrendered my life to God. It's because of Him I am being transformed and I have peace in my life. I can see and feel myself growing with Him, allowing me to live a life worth living. I thank God for my husband Nick, he has been so loving and supportive through out this whole process. I want to show others it is possible, you can have healing, understanding and peace in your life, no matter what your circumstance. It's never to late...

A Selfless Day

Today Nick and I spent most of the day at the Walter Hoving Home. This is a non-profit, faith-based rehabilitation center serving women 18 years and older who have been involved in drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution and other life-controlling problems.

When we first arrived we were greeted by a very nice lady who is in charge of volunteers. She gave us a tour of the home. Located in a mountainous area, it was a couple of beautiful castle style houses with the most spectacular view. The surrounding area of trees, nature and fallen leaves was absolutely peaceful. In a big closet set up with two chairs and a table with a tilted mirror propped on top, we cut and styled the hair of 21 women. 

Nicholas and I, side by side, started our selfless day together. Each lady came with their hair already washed, and a smile on their face. They were all excited, some adventurous with big changes and others with just a trim. As we cut their hair we talked, listened and learned about their stories. Each different from the next in age and drug of choice. I heard everything from a pastor's wife dealing with alcoholism to girls in their early 20s mixing crack, heroin and cocaine. Stories of girls starting drugs as young as 12 yrs. old, overdoses, having children taken away and being in relationships with other users. Most of the girls were young, pretty and nice... You would never imagine. Hearing their stories brought back memories of mine. 

I turned to anything and everything to escape my reality growing up. My father's addiction was the most painful experience I have ever had. It wasn't just about him, it shattered my family and unleashed a sickness. I turned to alcohol, pot and cocaine. I experimented with other drugs such as Ecstasy, acid and prescription medications my doctors prescribed. I used cocaine everyday for over a year and became bulimic and anorexic. I was so self destructive, I did not care about myself and all I wanted was to not feel.

As I looked at these girls, I thought, I was once like them.... feeling scared and alone. This is what I looked like... I wanted to hug them, tell them my story, tell them how sorry I was that they had to go through all those horrible experiences. I didn't... I couldn't... I just cut their hair, talked about more pleasant things, smiled, laughed with them and when they shared some of their stories I listened.

At the end of the day Nick and I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to use our talents so that the women could leave feeling pampered and beautiful. Most importantly it was more than just about the haircuts, it was about showing these women God's love through us. I felt something inside, I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be. We will be back for haircuts, for company and for love.

I was so proud to be there with Nick. To share this experience with him and see how he bonded with the women as he asked the questions I didn't dare. To be an example of a transformed women and an example of a healthy marriage where God is first. I am grateful everyday for what God has done in my life. I will never be ashamed to share my story and to say my God is an awesome God! 

God gave us gifts so we can play a roll in helping one another. These days all the focus is on ourselves: how we can have it our way, have it now, and have it all. We can never find satisfaction in these things because we were built to love one another. Immature love is self love and mature love is selfless love. When you give love by helping and putting others first, you receive a feeling that you cannot get by doing anything else. Volunteering is an amazing way to give love. Find a cause you are passionate about, somewhere you can put your talents and skills to work in helping others! Try to have a selfless day once a month to start, then maybe once every couple of weeks. Do whatever you can. A smile, a conversation, a random act of kindness, a heartfelt compliment. These are all ways to have a selfless moment anytime on any day. Try it out and show some LOVE!

"Love is not self seeking" I Cor 13:4

Spiritual Growth

Life has been pretty amazing lately. I feel a connection with God like never before. I can feel myself maturing and growing spiritually. Lately I have shared with great company, heard amazing true life stories and seen the most beautiful tears. Those are the stories that inspire and the tears that cleanse.

I always knew God existed, I always craved to be close to Him, many things in the past got in the way of my relationship with Him. My mother planted a great seed in me growing up as she told me about God. I wanted more but had no idea how. Now, so many years and life experiences later, I have grown closer than ever before.  

I am truly understanding the way God has created me. Appreciating and learning to love the body He gave me. Allowing Him to cleanse me of all my past mistakes, bandage my wounds and allow them to heal. I have learned to wear my scars proudly because deep inside I always knew everything that happened, happened for a reason. My comfort is in that I can trust in God to always take care of me more than even my parents could ever. I can truly say that when you allow God to work in your life He does.

Shine Your Light

Being a positive person is not something that comes easily to everyone. Not everyday you wake up, ready to take on the world with a big smile on your face. Let's be realistic here, being a positive person and doing the right things are not the easiest things to do or the most popular. In fact, that is why few people chose to live their lives this way. Life is hard, we have heart ache, we suffer, people let us down, we judge ourselves to harshly, I can go on and on... All of these things affect us and wanting to be the best we can be. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. Life beats us up and it's just easier to just be... you lose your zest for life. The people that seem to stand out and shine brighter than the rest are positive, kind, honest, good and hard working. We start to think, well only some people are meant to be happy, some people are special, some people are meant for greatness. These are all lies!!! We are all meant for greatness no matter the circumstance or past history.

 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Mathew 7:13

The few that chose to live a great life are often faced with negativity from others. They are treated bad and made fun of for no apparent reason. The truth is misery loves company and if someone is smiling all the time, positive and great things happen to them others hate them for it. It actually makes others jealous, envious, and just plain miserable. Deep inside they desire to be like them, to shine as brightly as they do. Things get in the way of making that step like pride, embarrassment and simply not knowing what to do. 

Having God in your life makes all the difference. Things that seemed impossible become possible, weaknesses you thought you had melt away and fears disappear. God says 365 times in His word, DO NOT FEAR and for good reason. He knew all the things that we are going to be up against. There are many things that seem way scarier when we look in ourselves for strength and bravery. When we accept God into our lives we can see and feel His greatness in us. That greatness makes us want to be the best we can be everyday. People's bad intentions and negativity will have no power and do not stand a chance! Make that step, get your zest for life back, dream great dreams, live a life worth living and shine your Light brightly! 

 "He who lives in you is greater than he who is in the world." 1John 4:4

Amazing Grace

As I read the book Adult Children of Alcoholics, I am realizing so many things. So many things I never even thought to question. As I realize these things in my life, I am understanding more about myself. I am understanding I have a choice to continue with the same attitudes/behaviors or to change. First I must understand what things are a result of my father being an alcoholic or my own addictive behaviors. I don't want to be "that girl" that acts like she does and doesn't even question herself. I haven't finished reading the book yet because it's revealing so much, It's a bit overwhelming.

I've been desiring lately much self evaluation and some brutally honest opinions from my husband. I don't want to live my life in denial or simply ignorant to situations or attitudes...in me. I know that God has put these desires in my heart.

I watched Rachel Getting Married and it demonstrated clearly the behaviors of an addictive personality. May I point out this also includes alcohol, cigarettes and prescribed medication, it's not just "drugs". You see addicts have a certain behavior and having been one I don't want to just have "that behavior". I want to know if I do, what am I doing that may be considered "that behavior" and if there is anything I can do about it.

Self evaluation is very important, we can not think we are right all the time, we can not just continue on with what we are doing with out stopping and taking a look in the mirror. It's great if you have someone that will be honest with you and tell you what they see, just be prepared to hear somethings you may not like. Then you must decide what you will do with what you have discovered.

Some of the things I've noticed is that addicts make everything about themselves. It's all about me! I can see that behavior in me but way stronger in my past. I do feel God has worked in my life because I have come a long ways but also because I'm aware. Being aware is amazing. I refuse to run in circles. I want to run a path... my journey, and this journey involves hiking mountains, crossing rivers, swimming through oceans. Nobody said growth was going to be easy but it is absolutely necessary to reach our destination.

 I truly believe my life is like the song Amazing Grace. I once was lost but now I'm found, I once was blind but now I see. Being able to see is truly life changing. Now I'm aware of what I do and where it comes from. Not only that but I can see my true self, someone that was lost for a long time but now is found!

My Transformation

  I am a born again Christian. The moment I invited God into my life was the beginning of an amazing journey. One that I am still on and will continue until my last day. This has nothing to do with religion, It's a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Life didn't automatically change the moment I invited Christ into my life. I look at it like I gave my heart to God and He started molding me and changing the desires of my heart. This allowed me to see my life through different eyes.

  I was a smoker for many years, I honestly thought I would always be one. I had quite drugs but smoking seemed impossible. I wanted to quite so I made plans and tried but nothing ever worked. At this point I was smoking a pack a day (more when I went out drinking) and really didn't enjoy smoking at all. One day before going into work, I was smoking a cigarette and really felt disgusted by it. I had enough, I said "God let this be my last cigarette". I threw the rest of the pack away and that was the last cigarette that EVER touched my lips! No patches, no gum, no program. Just me believing God could take this addiction away and He did. It will be two years in January!

  After accomplishing something that seemed impossible, I decided to step it up and be healthy. I had to learn what that meant because I was never really healthy before. So I started to read lots of books and basically became my own nutritionist. I decided to become a vegetarian (later vegan) and take a break from coffee at the same time. I had migraines everyday for a week but after that I felt great! 

  I know that I was on the right track but there was something missing to deal with... my drinking. I still had no control and was drinking all the time. I had to finally realize that I was an alcoholic. This was not easy but I came to the realization that I had a problem. This past New Years, I decided to quite drinking. I did, after a year of being smoke free and vegetarian. I also started going to the gym.

  I was talking with a Pastor friend and he said: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." ~ II Corinthians 5:17 I was no longer an alcoholic, God took this away from me, I am a new creation. I decided to put this to the test. After months of not drinking I decided to reintroduce drinking into my life. It was different. Any desire I had to drink in excess was gone. I've been able to drink with control for the first time in my life. This is the first hang over free year of my life and it feels great! It's not been an easy journey since my drinking was covering up a lot of issues. In the process I've reconnected with myself. I learned to love and embrace who I am. Also to take any challenges head on instead of "numbing" myself with alcohol.

  I feel full of energy, life and inspiration. I'm in the best shape and the healthiest I've ever been. I now drink occasionally and mostly wine. After being a vegetarian for more than a year, I've reintroduced some local,organic chicken and fish into my diet. I still mostly eat vegetarian. I drink small amounts of coffee and replaced the excess with fresh vegetable juice and tea. I'm ready to take my working out to the next level. It's been a cleansing of my mind, body and soul. I love it!

  God is transforming me into the person I always wanted to be but always thought I could never be. I look forward to living a balanced, healthy, happy life with my kitties, husband and God. My hopes are that I can be an example of God's power, love and grace.

  My mother-in-law once told me, "You can take back everything that was taken from you" That's what I'm doing and I can't wait for what's next!!

Deciding To Change

  To see others "drown" their sorrows in alcohol and other drugs is really sad. It's even harder for me to watch because I myself would do this all the time before. The funny thing is that they don't look like they are "drowning" at all, they actually look like they are having the time of their lives....but when the party is over, the horrible feelings are all that is left. 

  Some may take my concern as judgmental or even hypocritical. But it's so not! I can see my old self in these people, I recognize their behavior, I understand the need to be "numbed". It kills me to see someone else do this to themselves because I know exactly what they are doing. I decided to change my life around but that doesn't mean I've forgotten what It feels like. I often wonder If I would have listened if someone, a friend..... anyone, would have expressed their concern for me or even acknowledged the disaster I was making of my life. Would I also have thought they were judging me?

  I do remember the thoughts of desperation, sadness, loneliness, depression, wanting so badly for someone... something to save me. I remember crying and praying to God to help me, save me, love me, take me out of the situation I was in. He did, not in that precise moment.....In time, He changed my life. I realize that the decision to change my life and to invite God into my life was a personal one. I realize that it's also that way for others. So all I can do is share my story, pray and leave it in God's hands.

If this is happening to you, know that life doesn't have to be this way, there's so much more out there, you can have a new beginning, a new life, a new chance, new hope, new growth, a new opportunity.... It's all possible... the decision is in your hands!  

This song, Sober by Pink, describes it perfectly.... gives me chills.

If you would like to know more about a personal relationship with God, here are two websites to check out How to Know God and The Invitation.

If you would like more info on alcoholism and drug addiction, click here .

Stepping Into The Light

 Everyone has a story. If we all shared our story we would discover that many people we know have gone through similar or worse situations. Our stories form the person we are today. Each experience shaping and molding who we are. We can learn, be inspired, feel compassion, be uplifted, feel hope, and understand our own situations better through the lives of others. If you can get just one positive thing out of my story, than it was all worth it.

 Starting this blog was not an easy decision. I knew that when I did, I was going to be completely honest about myself and my life. I decided to write this because I want to share my story. I grew up in a dysfunctional family and I think most people do of some sort. Our dysfunction? My father started out as an alcoholic and later moved on to smoking crack. My mother did the best she could but fell into the role that almost every spouse of an alcoholic does. My life went down the wrong path and I experienced depression, alcohol and drug addiction along with other things. I would always dream about a better life but always thought thats all it would be, just a dream. I had no idea that one day I would meet the love of my life, find God and my whole life would turn around. I'm ready to step out of the darkness of hiding and step into the light by sharing these experiences with who ever wants to listen. 

As I write, I hope you feel encouraged to share your story also.

Because no matter what your story is, Life Is Beautiful...