Beautiful Life

Emerging From My Cocoon

 

"A story is told of a man who noticed a cocoon on a bush in his yard. As he started to remove it from the bush and throw it away, he noticed the end was opening and a butterfly was struggling to escape. In an effort to help the emerging butterfly, he took it inside and carefully cut the cocoon away with a razor blade. The butterfly feebly crawled away from the open cocoon and, within a few hours, died. It needed the strength it would have gained from the struggle to free itself in order to survive in the outside world." The 12 Steps for Adult Children

On our journey to healing, there are many steps that are extremely painful and just plain hard to take. In my relationship with God, He has revealed certain "issues" in my life. He has also provided the tools necessary to resolve those "issues". When I decide to work on those "issues", I'm making a decision to grow and learn....But that decision is a hard one to make because I know what comes along with it. A lot of digging deep inside and revisiting uncomfortable and painful feelings and experiences. I look at it like a metamorphoses of our soul and life. In that struggle to break through our cocoons, there are a lot of tears and pain, but every bit of it is extremely necessary for our growth.

I find beauty in humility, in being real and transparent. We are all human and we all go through difficult situations in our lives. Being able to be honest with ourselves and others is like letting that guard down. Letting go of trying to make everything perfect, doing it all ourselves and the notion that being strong means we never break down. In that struggle to break though our cocoon, we can sometimes feel like giving up, like we have no energy left to break through. That's when we look up to God for the strength to finish our transformation. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13)

The process of healing is life long and an everyday task, It's easy to fall back into bad habits or attitudes. I have a checklist I made of all the things I do to stay on track. I formed this personal list of things that I am called to do as a Christian and simply because the effect they have had in my life has been positive. When ever I feel down, off track, unmotivated, lost... I think back to my checklist. As I go over it, I realize there are things that I have been slacking on. So I do it, I don't feel bad for not having done it. There is nothing I can do about the moments that have past except learn. I have dug deep, I have confronted painful memories and I have looked to God for strength and guidance. Now It's time to emerge from my cocoon. I am finally breaking free from my old ways and old life. It's an amazing process, transformation, metamorphosis...  success is emerging a beautiful butterfly. 

I Must Always:

* Thank God every morning.

* Read God's word everyday.

* Pray to God.

* Eat Healthy.

* Exercise

* Connect with at least one person I care about everyday.

* Write my thoughts.

* Organize my schedule.

* Have Faith in God in everything I do.

* Love everyone.

* Surround myself with positive people and things.

* Give everyday.

* Stay humble.

* Help others.

How The Lost Traveler Was Found

My love for change and new things was born the day I was, 26 years ago. My father, originally from Virginia, was in the army. He meet my mother in Puerto Rico, where she is from. They married and started their life and travels together in Germany. Less than a year after I was born, we moved to Missouri where my brother and sister were born. After about seven years we moved to Hawaii. The next move was to North Carolina. Then my father retired from the army and we moved to Puerto Rico. My siblings and I only knew a couple of words in Spanish and understood close to nothing. We were put in a all Spanish speaking school with help from tutors.  Everywhere we lived, we moved from house to house and school to school, mainly because of the lack of housing. We left what we knew to start all over again. After about thirteen years of living in Puerto Rico I moved to New York where I meet my husband, Nicholas. To this day I have yet to find a place to call home.

Change was practically in my blood. It's something I desired and came to depend on. It allowed me to feel something new, add adventure and excitement to my life. I never questioned it either. When I felt the need for a change, I changed. I could come up with tons of reasons why it was a good idea or necessary. I changed everything from relationships, jobs, personal style, to addictions. It kept me going for a long while. Until the day it just didn't feel the same.

My life was no longer the same. I was a born again Christian, married and growing immensely in my walk with the Lord. One day I started to feel lost for a moment and a little crazy. I was having an urge for a change but I didn't feel OK with that feeling. I started to question my reasons, my worries... myself. In God's molding of my life, I realized I could have been using change to escape situations, to find something better, and to seek fulfillment. I now had a personal relationship with God and prayed to Him about this situation. I wrote in my journal these words "It's almost like I'm searching and searching for something perfect". I thought to myself "will I ever end this wanting to change constantly in my life?" 

The very next day I understood what the meaning of this was. I was growing in my relationship with God. He was telling me "you don't have to search any longer, I AM HERE". I was being filled by Him and not by my desires for change. I realized I was like a lost traveler, searching and searching... but I didn't have to search any longer... no more searching in new things, new places, new relationships, new jobs... No matter what, it was never going to fill the God shaped whole in my heart. At last, I had what I was searching for after so long. This was the most amazing feeling, for God to allow me a glimpse of how much I've grown, how He answered my doubts and filled me with hope and love... 

This part of my transformation was amazing but not easy. Instead of seeking new things I had to learn to be still. To deal with issues instead of running away. To fully commit myself to whatever I was doing. The reality was that It wasn't about what I wanted nor was it about my comfort... It was about learning to trust and put my Faith in God and wait until He decided to open a door for me.

I once heard someone say "Sometimes we try to make Heaven here on Earth, but It is not". It almost seems like in our quest for perfect, we must realize: perfect does not exist here and we must learn to live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. We are surrounded by empty material things that give false promises and false fulfillment. Life is bigger than you and me. 

I feel so blessed that God would allow me to grow and understand these things. I no longer have to run from life, I am no longer afraid, I am no longer a lost traveler. I have found the ONE to fill my life and my emptiness. He guides me and carries me when I cannot walk. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy change, or travel, or excitement... It just means I'll enjoy it for what It is, and not expect it to fulfill me or my life. In my travels, I will admire this beautiful life. I have to thank God, I am no longer a lost traveler.

"He is the Rock, His works are perfect, and all His ways are just. A faithful God who dares no wrong, upright and just is He" Deuteronomy 32:4

Under The Sun

I just love this, believe it to be true and really wanted to share it with everyone...

"There is time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: A time to be born and a time to die, A time to plant and a time to uproot, A time to kill and a time to heal, A time to tear down and a time to build, A time to weep and a time to laugh, A time to mourn and a time to dance, A time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, A time to embrace and a time to refrain, A time to search and a time to give up, A time to keep and a time to throw away, A time to tear and a time to mend, A time to be silent and a time to speak, A time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace."

                                                               Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A Selfless Day

Today Nick and I spent most of the day at the Walter Hoving Home. This is a non-profit, faith-based rehabilitation center serving women 18 years and older who have been involved in drug addiction, alcoholism, prostitution and other life-controlling problems.

When we first arrived we were greeted by a very nice lady who is in charge of volunteers. She gave us a tour of the home. Located in a mountainous area, it was a couple of beautiful castle style houses with the most spectacular view. The surrounding area of trees, nature and fallen leaves was absolutely peaceful. In a big closet set up with two chairs and a table with a tilted mirror propped on top, we cut and styled the hair of 21 women. 

Nicholas and I, side by side, started our selfless day together. Each lady came with their hair already washed, and a smile on their face. They were all excited, some adventurous with big changes and others with just a trim. As we cut their hair we talked, listened and learned about their stories. Each different from the next in age and drug of choice. I heard everything from a pastor's wife dealing with alcoholism to girls in their early 20s mixing crack, heroin and cocaine. Stories of girls starting drugs as young as 12 yrs. old, overdoses, having children taken away and being in relationships with other users. Most of the girls were young, pretty and nice... You would never imagine. Hearing their stories brought back memories of mine. 

I turned to anything and everything to escape my reality growing up. My father's addiction was the most painful experience I have ever had. It wasn't just about him, it shattered my family and unleashed a sickness. I turned to alcohol, pot and cocaine. I experimented with other drugs such as Ecstasy, acid and prescription medications my doctors prescribed. I used cocaine everyday for over a year and became bulimic and anorexic. I was so self destructive, I did not care about myself and all I wanted was to not feel.

As I looked at these girls, I thought, I was once like them.... feeling scared and alone. This is what I looked like... I wanted to hug them, tell them my story, tell them how sorry I was that they had to go through all those horrible experiences. I didn't... I couldn't... I just cut their hair, talked about more pleasant things, smiled, laughed with them and when they shared some of their stories I listened.

At the end of the day Nick and I felt so blessed to have the opportunity to use our talents so that the women could leave feeling pampered and beautiful. Most importantly it was more than just about the haircuts, it was about showing these women God's love through us. I felt something inside, I knew that I was exactly where I needed to be. We will be back for haircuts, for company and for love.

I was so proud to be there with Nick. To share this experience with him and see how he bonded with the women as he asked the questions I didn't dare. To be an example of a transformed women and an example of a healthy marriage where God is first. I am grateful everyday for what God has done in my life. I will never be ashamed to share my story and to say my God is an awesome God! 

God gave us gifts so we can play a roll in helping one another. These days all the focus is on ourselves: how we can have it our way, have it now, and have it all. We can never find satisfaction in these things because we were built to love one another. Immature love is self love and mature love is selfless love. When you give love by helping and putting others first, you receive a feeling that you cannot get by doing anything else. Volunteering is an amazing way to give love. Find a cause you are passionate about, somewhere you can put your talents and skills to work in helping others! Try to have a selfless day once a month to start, then maybe once every couple of weeks. Do whatever you can. A smile, a conversation, a random act of kindness, a heartfelt compliment. These are all ways to have a selfless moment anytime on any day. Try it out and show some LOVE!

"Love is not self seeking" I Cor 13:4

Shine Your Light

Being a positive person is not something that comes easily to everyone. Not everyday you wake up, ready to take on the world with a big smile on your face. Let's be realistic here, being a positive person and doing the right things are not the easiest things to do or the most popular. In fact, that is why few people chose to live their lives this way. Life is hard, we have heart ache, we suffer, people let us down, we judge ourselves to harshly, I can go on and on... All of these things affect us and wanting to be the best we can be. If it were easy, everyone would be doing it. Life beats us up and it's just easier to just be... you lose your zest for life. The people that seem to stand out and shine brighter than the rest are positive, kind, honest, good and hard working. We start to think, well only some people are meant to be happy, some people are special, some people are meant for greatness. These are all lies!!! We are all meant for greatness no matter the circumstance or past history.

 "Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it." Mathew 7:13

The few that chose to live a great life are often faced with negativity from others. They are treated bad and made fun of for no apparent reason. The truth is misery loves company and if someone is smiling all the time, positive and great things happen to them others hate them for it. It actually makes others jealous, envious, and just plain miserable. Deep inside they desire to be like them, to shine as brightly as they do. Things get in the way of making that step like pride, embarrassment and simply not knowing what to do. 

Having God in your life makes all the difference. Things that seemed impossible become possible, weaknesses you thought you had melt away and fears disappear. God says 365 times in His word, DO NOT FEAR and for good reason. He knew all the things that we are going to be up against. There are many things that seem way scarier when we look in ourselves for strength and bravery. When we accept God into our lives we can see and feel His greatness in us. That greatness makes us want to be the best we can be everyday. People's bad intentions and negativity will have no power and do not stand a chance! Make that step, get your zest for life back, dream great dreams, live a life worth living and shine your Light brightly! 

 "He who lives in you is greater than he who is in the world." 1John 4:4

My Temple

Driving home from the gym in the mornings, I pass by an older man that runs. I've seen him before and now that it's colder out, he's still running but now bundled up. When I say older I mean he can be a grandfather but you can only tell by his face because his body is in excellent condition. The way he runs is fantastic, you can tell he's been doing it all his life. 

This morning, on my way home from the gym, I was going down the same road around the same time. I was looking for him and there he was, I waved and smiled at him for the first time. He waved and smiled back! What a heart warming connection! I don't know him but I admire him, he inspires me! One day I would love to meet him and hear his story.

When I made the decision to be healthy it was for life. Not a quick fix or whenever I felt like it. It was a lifetime commitment and lifestyle change to eating healthy, exercising regularly, preparing healthy meals, not drinking in excess and making healthy decisions. This is something I discussed with my husband, Nick, and we both agreed that this would be apart of our marriage and future family. It's so important that I am a good example to my future children and that they understand the importance of being healthy.

This decision was a very important part of my journey because it's part of learning how to take care of the temple God gave me. Every time I see that older man running, I see myself living a happy and healthy life 'till the end!

"Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body" I Cor 6:19-20

My Transformation

  I am a born again Christian. The moment I invited God into my life was the beginning of an amazing journey. One that I am still on and will continue until my last day. This has nothing to do with religion, It's a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Life didn't automatically change the moment I invited Christ into my life. I look at it like I gave my heart to God and He started molding me and changing the desires of my heart. This allowed me to see my life through different eyes.

  I was a smoker for many years, I honestly thought I would always be one. I had quite drugs but smoking seemed impossible. I wanted to quite so I made plans and tried but nothing ever worked. At this point I was smoking a pack a day (more when I went out drinking) and really didn't enjoy smoking at all. One day before going into work, I was smoking a cigarette and really felt disgusted by it. I had enough, I said "God let this be my last cigarette". I threw the rest of the pack away and that was the last cigarette that EVER touched my lips! No patches, no gum, no program. Just me believing God could take this addiction away and He did. It will be two years in January!

  After accomplishing something that seemed impossible, I decided to step it up and be healthy. I had to learn what that meant because I was never really healthy before. So I started to read lots of books and basically became my own nutritionist. I decided to become a vegetarian (later vegan) and take a break from coffee at the same time. I had migraines everyday for a week but after that I felt great! 

  I know that I was on the right track but there was something missing to deal with... my drinking. I still had no control and was drinking all the time. I had to finally realize that I was an alcoholic. This was not easy but I came to the realization that I had a problem. This past New Years, I decided to quite drinking. I did, after a year of being smoke free and vegetarian. I also started going to the gym.

  I was talking with a Pastor friend and he said: "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." ~ II Corinthians 5:17 I was no longer an alcoholic, God took this away from me, I am a new creation. I decided to put this to the test. After months of not drinking I decided to reintroduce drinking into my life. It was different. Any desire I had to drink in excess was gone. I've been able to drink with control for the first time in my life. This is the first hang over free year of my life and it feels great! It's not been an easy journey since my drinking was covering up a lot of issues. In the process I've reconnected with myself. I learned to love and embrace who I am. Also to take any challenges head on instead of "numbing" myself with alcohol.

  I feel full of energy, life and inspiration. I'm in the best shape and the healthiest I've ever been. I now drink occasionally and mostly wine. After being a vegetarian for more than a year, I've reintroduced some local,organic chicken and fish into my diet. I still mostly eat vegetarian. I drink small amounts of coffee and replaced the excess with fresh vegetable juice and tea. I'm ready to take my working out to the next level. It's been a cleansing of my mind, body and soul. I love it!

  God is transforming me into the person I always wanted to be but always thought I could never be. I look forward to living a balanced, healthy, happy life with my kitties, husband and God. My hopes are that I can be an example of God's power, love and grace.

  My mother-in-law once told me, "You can take back everything that was taken from you" That's what I'm doing and I can't wait for what's next!!